1. Once upon a midnight dreary
The cyclotron crew was weak and weary;
In walked the Boss with a smile so cheery,
In walked the Boss with a very broad smile.
"Boys," he said "Here's a wonderful chance"
"Boys," he said, "It'll make you want to dance"
"Boys," he said, "We must activate some iron,
Eighty millicuries by half-past nine!"

REFRAIN:
Round and round and round go the deuterons
Round and round the magnet swings them
Round and round and round go the deuterons
Smack! in the target goes the ion beam.

2. "Boys," said the Boss, "For luck you have no peer,"
"Boys," said the Boss, "Get set to give a cheer,"
"Boys," said the Boss, "The President is coming here.
The President of the Reekanstinkle Fund
Giving all that money away is awfully tiring
The doctor said the President was ripe for retiring,
The doctor said he ought to take some activated iron,
Eighty millicuries twice a day!"

REFRAIN: Round and round . . .
… Smack! in the target go the microamps!

3. "The President thought of us right away,
The President came to me the very same day
The President will honor us with a two-week stay
While we activate the iron for him in our beam.
The doctor said, 'Come back again two weeks from now,
The doctor said, 'Don't fret yourself; don't furrow your brow,
The doctor said, 'Just diet on the simplest kind of chow
And take your activated iron with sugar and cream."'

REFRAIN:
. . . Smack! in the target go the milliamps!

4. "But," said the First Stooge, "We couldn't possibly… "
"But," said the Second Stooge, "Nobody ain't never … "
"But," said the Third Stooge, "The beam current's only… "
The Boss just frowned reprovingly.
"But," said the Fourth Stooge, "The internal radiation… "
"But," said the Fifth Stooge, "The isotope abundance… "
"But," said all the Stooges, "Dammitall, not even Berkeley… "
"Now, now," said the Boss, "Do it just for me."

REFRAIN:
Look at those neutrons pouring out there!

5. The Boss said this, and smiling brightly,
Threw a kiss to each, politely,
Tripped to the door so carefree and lightly-
"Toodle-oo boys, we'll be here at nine!"
The First Stooge said, "It's our undoing."
Number Five began boohooing-
Three said only, "Let's get going-
Eighty millicuries by half-past nine!"

REFRAIN:
When we get our new chamber in, we'll have two milliamperes outside!

6. Rectifier, fore pump, diffusion pump, oscillator,
Magnet, filament, arc source generator,
Deflecting voltage, beam current integrator,
Eighty millicuries by half-past nine!
At three thousand kilowatts the oscillator wasn't stable;
At two thousand amperes the magnet fused its cable;
And at one o'clock the crew collapsed beneath the table
Eighty millicuries by half past nine!

REFRAIN:
Bang! bang! bang! go the nuclei!!

7. The bell tolled out the hour of nine;
The Stooges' eyes were wet with brine;
The Fifth made vague remarks on dyin'-
Eighty millicuries of iron --haw!
But like the inexorable tides of Fate,
Promptly on their fatal date
The Boss and the President, never late
Came whiffling through the door.

REFRAIN:
Phosphorus? just help yourself from the cookie jar there!

8. "Good morning, Boys!" the Boss cried loudly,
"Isn't she a beaut?" the Boss said loudly!
"Nearly eighteen million volts!" the Boss beamed proudly -- "Hm! hm!"
The Stooges suppressed a nasty cough.
"Well, Boys -- well, boys--well!" said the Boss;
"Come now--come on now--come across!
You must have enough activity to choke a hoss,
But eighty millicuries will be quite enough."

REFRAIN:
We don't bombard sodium -- we just walk through the room with it!

9. The Fifth Stooge had an inspiration
Born in deepest desperation.
"Mr. President!" he cried, amid a great sensation,
(A Stooge may only look at a President.)
"If I am ruined beyond description
Let me see my doom's inscription
Show me, please, that damned prescription
For eighty millicuries twice a day!"

REFRAIN:
Well, you see, just now the external beam is only two microamps.

10. The President fumbled in his inside pocket-
The Fifth Stooge felt like a felon in the docket-
The President found a tiny locket,
Opened it, gave the paper away
To the wretched Stooge, almost expiring,
Who read the words of hope inspiring,
"Solution acetate of iron:
Eighty milligrams twice a day."

REFRAIN:
Well, it isn't running just now, but we'll have it together again in about a week!

11. "So that's what the word was," the President said.
"I thought it was 'activated' iron, instead,"
"It didn't seem quite correct," he said,
"Eighty millicuries twice a day--"
The Boss and the President tripped away;
"Toodle-oo, boys, see you again, someday,"
And the cyclotron crew settled back to play-ha! ha!
And the ions go round twenty-four hours each day.

REFRAIN: AW, LET'S TURN THE DAMNED THING OFF AND GO TO BED!